TIME FOR SUMMER. AND CHANGE.

So I've become aware that my posts are becoming increasingly depressing, and at the risk of sounding like I'm on the road to suicide, I'd like to post about the good things in my life. Because, believe it or not, there are some. And I'm hoping that in writing about them, I will become more inspired in life to actually, you know, DO things.

1. I live in a terrific neighborhood, and I have, materialistically, everything I could ask for. Almost anything I need is within a ten minute drive, and I can even walk places even though I'm often far too lazy. I have 2 computers: a desktop for gaming and hanging out and a laptop for when I need to get things done. I have a flat screen TV and a double size bed in my room, and more clothes than can fit in my custom fit drawers that my grandfather built. I have my own car, for the moment, that I don't have to pay for. Except for insurance which I often forget to pay for anyway.

2. My parents, for better or for worse, are really quite good. I really don't know how to word that, so you'll have to forgive me. They let me live here even though I pretty much do nothing; I sit in my room and play wow/watch tv, and leave only for the occasional class (that I do not take enough of) and work. They accept this and despite constant hints for me to go outside/make friends, they really do accept who I am, mostly (in my opinion), because of my failure at life brother. They're just glad that I'm not out being a party machine and wasting my life in a bottle or a joint. He's so gross. (He will not be appearing on this list, just so we're clear :P)

3. I have 2 really great friends. Bagels and Kathleen are truly irreplaceable; I can trust both of them with anything. I love them oodles, and they're great to talk to at any time and I at least know that Bagels will not be judgemental. They've been there for me through a lot, and they'll never know how much I appreciate it, because I know that I can be a piece of work sometimes.

4. I have a great boyfriend. I mean come on, total package. He's a total cutie and he's a wonderful friend to me. We have a lot of chemistry and he understands a lot about me that I never thought a guy could understand. We have such a relaxed relationship (despite what you saw in my previous post lol), and it's really great to not have stress in that part of my life.

5. If I apply myself in school, I actually do pretty well. I enjoy my English and History classes, and deal with the other ones. A challenge every now and again is definitely welcome, i just need to learn to pay attention and make an effort.


Great! I actually feel a lot better. Self esteem is a tricky issue, and I feel like if a lot of girls took a step out of their lives for a second and just look at all the positive things they'll realize how good they actually have it. Moving on!

With my failure of a freshman year in the past and a brand new summer on the horizon, I feel it's necessary to make a few changes in the way that I live my life. Sure, things are ok, but they could definitely be better.

First off! Dietary restrictions. I've put on a few pounds in my belly and I need to get it off before I have to wear a bikini: Beach on July 11!

So, I'm going to make an attempt to exercise at least once a day. I'm not listing an exact form of exercise. I'm going to check out some yoga videos and maybe go for a walk. If I say that I'm going to go running every day then I know that I won't because I've never liked running, ever. So I'm leaving that open ended ^_^.

FOODS I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT EAT. NO MATTER WHAT. I HOPE.

1. Bagels. (I'm sorry, but I eat far too many :( I've tried to quit them before, but I really need to buckle down this time. I mean business!)

2. Pizza. (Of any kind. It's not that a little pizza now and then is okay, but I generally go too far when pizza is involved. 5-6 pieces is totally the norm for me, and that has to change.)

3. Macaroni and cheese. (I've eaten it at least once a week since the spring semester has started. Ugh.)

4. Pastries/Pies. (This includes any and all forms of danishes, cupcakes, muffins, cake, cookies, etc. Note I didn't mention ice-cream. Yum.)


THINGS THAT I NEED TO START EATING!

1. More fruit and veggies! Well, at least some yummy fruit. Veggies are meh.

2. Drink at least a glass of milk a day. Apparently, studies have shown that despite the fact that many women have cut dairy out of their diets, a glass of milk or serving of dairy can actually help weight loss around the midsection. Hey, it's worth a try, right?

3. Drink more water, too. No more sugary juices and teas. Just coffee and water, and only regular coffee, no more expensive Venti Mochas from Starbucks.

4. Good carbs. Instead of filling myself with fattening noodles and bread, choose carbs wisely. Eat wheat over white bread, and maybe only have half a sandwich with some fruit instead of a full sandwich with goldfish.

I'm going out to buy a scale tomorrow. I'm going to start keeping a food journal (she threatens), and weigh myself every Sunday to see if I'm getting any results.

I'm really optimistic about this, and excited.

Goals, ahoy!

--Latte

ugh

so i'll admit to having slightly obsessive compulsive behavior. id like that thank my wonderfully worrying mother for that most attractive trait.

as a preface this is going to be an extremely disoriented post mostly because i'm fucking angry at myself.

i have a really hard time with relationships. yes i realize i talk about this a lot but i don't have much else of a life to talk about. i have this weird attention needing thing where if the person i'm dating doesn't update me on what they're doing or why they're not responding to things i'm doing then i fucking freak out and lose all sanity.

i'm pretty sly at the beginning of a relationship. i ignore the guy at all the right times and carefully manage my words and how much i reveal. but when i finally feel comfortable they realize what a fucking psychotic freak i am. i go crazy and i fucked up tonight.

so sometimes steve has these emo-fits and ignores me for a little bit. i have a really hard time with this. if he told me that he needed some time alone, that would be fine, i could deal with that. but usually he just cuts me off, and i ALWAYS, and i fucking mean ALWAYS, think that this means i've done something wrong.

always.

so naturally, my first fucking brilliant response is to flip my lid on the crazy jar and spaz out.

after a really bad night of raiding in wow (yes i am a nerd, we should have established this by now), i try to talk to him and he doesn't respond. he then proceeds to immediate log off without a word.

i text him saying something like "look i realize you're upset but the least you could do is say something to me. i hope you have a good night i guess.".

he doesn't respond. for like 4 minutes. and because i'm psycho:

'i hope you know it hurts when you ignore me :('

he responds with: 'what are you talking about. i was in the fucking bathroom.'

and go. i'm FUCKING.

CRAZY.

FUCKING.


CRAZY.

i texted him back apologizing and promising to be less psychotic. he doesn't respond.

i apologize again because i can't ever seem to just let things fucking go.

he texts me: 'i guess i'm just gonna go to bed. night.'

being crazy i call him, no answer. i text him: 'please. i'm so sorry.'

nope, nada. i call again and leave a sobstory message because i'm fucking emo and wait. nothing. so i send him a final text saying 'i fucked up and i couldn't be more sorry. i love you. i hope to talk to you tomorrow'

WHICH IS WHAT I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SAID FROM THE VERY FUCKING START AND JUST FUCKING LEFT IT AT THAT.

but of course i'm insane. and can't ever leave things as they should.

i've deleted all my messages because i can't bear to look at them because i am having a hard time right now if it wasn't blatantly obvious.

i am really upset right now, and i really just needed to hardcore rant. because i'm a fucking idiot. bagels i need you home. i was thinking about calling kathleen but i dunno if i could bear to listen to her talk about herself for an hour.. but maybe that would get my mind off of it.

i also fucking missed my english final because i am stupid and skipped classes. and i also couldn't sign up for summer classes because of my advisor and haven't told my mother. i realize that this whole thing with steve will blow over but because i have in me the blood of a psycho worrier, i continue to worry about whether he will break up with me over this. i've never actually had a huge fight with anyone i've been with so i don't know how to react. this isn't a huge fight. i realize that. i'm blowing this way out of proportion because i'm a fucking pro at it.

it's just that i don't know how to deal with this. i've never really actually felt this way about anyone and i'm fucking terrified i'm going to fuck this up. there's so much pressure on girls now adays to get married and i know that i shouldn't be worried about it but what if he's the person i'm supposed to be with but i'm just too god damned psychotic to be in a relationship and i'm driving him away?

i'm overreacting, i'm aware of this. i just fucking hate long distance. but i can't imagine being without him. angsty teen, etc.

just fucking shoot me now.


LATTE, EMO-OUT.