ugh

so i'll admit to having slightly obsessive compulsive behavior. id like that thank my wonderfully worrying mother for that most attractive trait.

as a preface this is going to be an extremely disoriented post mostly because i'm fucking angry at myself.

i have a really hard time with relationships. yes i realize i talk about this a lot but i don't have much else of a life to talk about. i have this weird attention needing thing where if the person i'm dating doesn't update me on what they're doing or why they're not responding to things i'm doing then i fucking freak out and lose all sanity.

i'm pretty sly at the beginning of a relationship. i ignore the guy at all the right times and carefully manage my words and how much i reveal. but when i finally feel comfortable they realize what a fucking psychotic freak i am. i go crazy and i fucked up tonight.

so sometimes steve has these emo-fits and ignores me for a little bit. i have a really hard time with this. if he told me that he needed some time alone, that would be fine, i could deal with that. but usually he just cuts me off, and i ALWAYS, and i fucking mean ALWAYS, think that this means i've done something wrong.

always.

so naturally, my first fucking brilliant response is to flip my lid on the crazy jar and spaz out.

after a really bad night of raiding in wow (yes i am a nerd, we should have established this by now), i try to talk to him and he doesn't respond. he then proceeds to immediate log off without a word.

i text him saying something like "look i realize you're upset but the least you could do is say something to me. i hope you have a good night i guess.".

he doesn't respond. for like 4 minutes. and because i'm psycho:

'i hope you know it hurts when you ignore me :('

he responds with: 'what are you talking about. i was in the fucking bathroom.'

and go. i'm FUCKING.

CRAZY.

FUCKING.


CRAZY.

i texted him back apologizing and promising to be less psychotic. he doesn't respond.

i apologize again because i can't ever seem to just let things fucking go.

he texts me: 'i guess i'm just gonna go to bed. night.'

being crazy i call him, no answer. i text him: 'please. i'm so sorry.'

nope, nada. i call again and leave a sobstory message because i'm fucking emo and wait. nothing. so i send him a final text saying 'i fucked up and i couldn't be more sorry. i love you. i hope to talk to you tomorrow'

WHICH IS WHAT I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SAID FROM THE VERY FUCKING START AND JUST FUCKING LEFT IT AT THAT.

but of course i'm insane. and can't ever leave things as they should.

i've deleted all my messages because i can't bear to look at them because i am having a hard time right now if it wasn't blatantly obvious.

i am really upset right now, and i really just needed to hardcore rant. because i'm a fucking idiot. bagels i need you home. i was thinking about calling kathleen but i dunno if i could bear to listen to her talk about herself for an hour.. but maybe that would get my mind off of it.

i also fucking missed my english final because i am stupid and skipped classes. and i also couldn't sign up for summer classes because of my advisor and haven't told my mother. i realize that this whole thing with steve will blow over but because i have in me the blood of a psycho worrier, i continue to worry about whether he will break up with me over this. i've never actually had a huge fight with anyone i've been with so i don't know how to react. this isn't a huge fight. i realize that. i'm blowing this way out of proportion because i'm a fucking pro at it.

it's just that i don't know how to deal with this. i've never really actually felt this way about anyone and i'm fucking terrified i'm going to fuck this up. there's so much pressure on girls now adays to get married and i know that i shouldn't be worried about it but what if he's the person i'm supposed to be with but i'm just too god damned psychotic to be in a relationship and i'm driving him away?

i'm overreacting, i'm aware of this. i just fucking hate long distance. but i can't imagine being without him. angsty teen, etc.

just fucking shoot me now.


LATTE, EMO-OUT.